There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize