Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
