actually, I'm a sock model
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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