I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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