Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
