Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize