but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
