Buhtt sex?
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
