I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
