so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
