my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
