glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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