I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
