It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
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