That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
