we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Enjoy the penises
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
