It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
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