Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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