whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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