I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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