Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
