I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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