I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
