just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
