my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
