I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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