I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
