cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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