There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
