I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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