Pregnant stripper...not hot.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
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