i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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