Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
