break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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