I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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