im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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