90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
