apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
