community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
