I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
