My cat gives me a boner
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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