At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
