We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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