He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
