my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
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