Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
