mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
