I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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