We got so high we made milksteak
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
