I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
