Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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