it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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