Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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