i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
