youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
