Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize