If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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