I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
