my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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