Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
