I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
