omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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